How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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