do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
