i jhust puked up my retainher.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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