I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
