i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
