I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
