So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
