i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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