The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
