I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
