My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
