he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I need moral support for this bender
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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