____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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