I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
