Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
