she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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