Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
