Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize