hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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