It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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