I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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