we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Found your dick twin last night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
