idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
