It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Your cock deserves a montage
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize