Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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