So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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