my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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