I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
