if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
