I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
