so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
