Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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