i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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