i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
