Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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