This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
