Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
