Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
