No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
