Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
