APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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