You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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