This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
