We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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