Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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