after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
