I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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