I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
