When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
