what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
