On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
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That's how twitter works, right?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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