you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
