Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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