We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
