New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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