So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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