Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
