those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
