You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
