Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize