Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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