my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
