What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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