we have pet lesbian snakes
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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