I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
