What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I queefed so loud it echoed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry about my life...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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