so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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