i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
