I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
