I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
